Feb 13 (Day 11):
WORDS OF WISDOM:
“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” — Anne Rolphe
This cleansing process is such an emotional roller coaster. I suppose it’s because we have so much time here to think…to feel. My friend, Emil’s grief over losing his wife is running over him like a train. I wish there were something I could do, but I know better. This is the process of grieving — of life and death. Right now, Emil is working through it. He keeps remembering his life with Maria, their entire life together. He said it plays like a movie in his head…Over and over, from beginning to end.
I know that grief is necessary and sacred, that it is connected to all the love he feels for her and to all the love she felt for him. This misery is the work of grief — to allow us to break, to crack apart in order to let the light sneak its way back in to our souls, so that we can rebuild our lives. But I am heartsick for my beautiful friend. I’m just thankful that the doctors are here to see him through it. I pray they can help. And I pray that even if I don’t find the right words, he’ll feel my love for him, and that will help him somehow, if only to make him realize that he isn’t alone. Please Lord, lay your hand over the heart of my friend and bring him peace. Amen.
8am – Day four of the bitter ghee…What was I thinking, coming here? Dr. Sankar said that I’m starting to show saturation signs. I must say, I agree. I feel like I’m drowning in butter. I’m so nauseated that I’m afraid to open my mouth for fear I’ll throw up. It feels like I have oil leaking out through my eyes. Seriously, I could hardly make myself drink the stuff today. It’s like you’re drinking motor oil. This better be it for the ghee. I’m as good a sport as the next girl, but I think I’ve reached my limit.
2pm – Everything got more intense this afternoon. Dr. Sankar was very sweet though, and reassuring. I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed: headache, extreme nausea, sensitivity to smells, the taste of copper in my mouth, and worse, my heartbeat became very hard and heavy. Anyway, Dr. Sankar and his wife, Poornima, came to my room, took my blood pressure and said I have gone all the way past the optimal saturation point and into the maximum range. It’s a good thing too…I can’t drink any more of that stuff again tomorrow. Just the thought of ghee makes me cry.
I’m done with ghee! I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me. Now, as far as I’m aware, my body rests for a day or two while the ghee does its work. After that, comes the last, difficult phase of the treatment. It’s a day they call “the cleansing.” That is the day they force all of the toxins out of your body after the ghee has had a chance to do its work.” (I’m not going to think about that right now though or I’ll start crying again.)
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a day that celebrates taking care of the people you love. I’m hoping that tomorrow will mark the beginning of my learning to love myself…putting Grace first. Leon is always telling me to do that, but I can never seem to manage it.
TODAY’S PRAYER: Dear God, I pray I will learn how to love myself, to care for myself with the same devotion I show everyone else in my life. To learn that skill in this beautiful place filled with strangers who love me and wish me well would be a blessing I would treasure for the rest of my life.